Bob and Chippy's Excellent Adventure
by Mike the Great
Summary: Hehehe. This is our messed up Diablo 2 parody. Complete with pointless guest appearences! Please R&R. Coauthored by my best friend Jarred the Best. The story of a druid and his squirrel sidekick. gasp Is that what I think it is? Chap 4 is up!
1. Act I

**Bob and Chippy's Excellent Adventure**

By Jarred and Mike The Great

Disclaimer: We do not own Diablo 2, the Men in Black, any Nintendo character that appears in this story, or Microsoft. We do not own Froot Loops cereal either. If you want to talk to us meet us in the middle of Lake Erie without a boat.

It all started in the Rogue Encampment. The rogues had been driven out of the respective Monastery. The forces of hell had been dwelling in this monastery for quite some time and I was the hero that was to release the rogue's from the demon's grip.

Of course I didn't know all of that. I was walking around the forest one day when I saw a smoke rising in the east. Little did I know what I was getting into.

"That must me a forest fire. I need to put it out," I though to myself. That was me. I always thought of the forest before myself. That is because my life revolves around the forest and all the animals (especially the squirrel) in the forest. My squirrel friend Chippy and I decided to put out the fire. I dashed over but it was dark and soon I ran into these huge vertically stacked logs.

"Wow, I never saw that before," I said to Chippy.

Chippy looked at me and squeaked, "What is this? It is from the spawns of evil I tell you. Yes it is. I swear. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes it is. I, I, I, know it is."

" Chippy did you take your medication this morning?"

"Noooooooo...,"

"Well you should try to remember. I don't like it very much when you shake and have seizures. Anyway, lets go check ths fire out."

We walked until the end of the wall where we reached a gap in the wall. I rushed forward and banged my head off another wall. Then we went trough another gap into the center of a village.

This village was newly constructed it seemed because none of the druids seemed to know about it. Mostly everything that goes on in the forest us druid know about.

I started conversing with the locals. There were many merchants around the town. Akara, Gheed, Warriv, and my favorite Charsi. I was shopping at Charsi's shop one day. She was personalizing a sword for me and instead of putting my name on it she wrote "Love You, Charsi."

"What the?" I said. I was really angry at her for messing with my sword.

"What is wrong with it? There is nothing wrong with it. It is a perfect example of love. I love you and there is nothing wrong with that," Charsi said.

"My sword is my sword. You're supposed to personalize it in my name not yours."

"But it's with love."

"Well good bye now," I said. I left in a hurry. I grabbed my sword and dashed off. I walked over to Akara.

"I do not trust you. You must complete my quest in order to obtain my trust. There is a place that is just outside this place and it is called the Den of Evil. It is filled with bad things that go boo. You must kill them until they are dead. Then return to me for some special treatment," said Akara.

I gave her a funny look. and asked, "Is there any maps around here? I might get lost."

Akara replied in tune, "No just follow the tan sandy road.. Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the tan sandy road. Oui!"

I ran away in terror of the old lady's voice. It sounded like 10 howler monkeys. Soon I came across the Den of Evil. I knew it was the Den of Evil because it said "Den of Evil, Casino Hall here!"

Chippy the squirrel asked, "Can we go gambling. Please please please please please please please please please?"

I replied "NO I'M BROKE."

"Well then you should get fixed. Is there a human repair shop around here? Huh, Huh, Huh?"

"Chippy did you take your medicine this morning?"

"Maybe..... Yes.....No."

"Well you really should start to. Let's investigate." We walked into the Den of Evil. The Den of Evil was the worst casino hall of casino gambling. There was only one slot machine. There was a huge line of monsters waiting to use it. Unfortunately the stupid brute at the front didn't have any money and he was trying to jam a rock into the slot. After staring at them for a while I cast molten boulder. It plowed through all of them until it killed them dead. After I killed all of them a zombie named Corpsefire appeared out of thin air.

"What...have...you...done...to...my...customers?" he said slower than a turtle.

"Ummm...," Chippy said before he took a large rock and beat him to death.

I took a town portal and went back to town. There Akara said, "Good Job! You will know receive your choice of these two things: Special treatment or a skill point."

"I think I'll take the skill point," I said backing up slowly and then madly dashing toward my corner of the camp. On my way back we met up with Kashya. She told us to kill Blood Raven until she remembered that Blood Raven was dead. She pointed over to Gheed and next to him was a pink puffball and a necromancer. I went over there and listened.

"Are you sure you don't have any guns?" said the pink puffball.

"What's a gun, and what are they for?" Gheed questioned.

"THIS," the puffball said, pulling a strange metal wand out and using it to shoot small metal things at Gheed and killing him. There was much rejoicing.

"Hello, my name is Bob and this is my sidekick, Chippy the squirrel.," I said.

"Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi." Chippy said.

"He has a condition." I whispered to the puffball.

"OK, my name is Kirby. And this necromancer's name is hehehe...BETTY!," the pufball said as he began laughing.

"Well, do you want to help us kill Diablo and his minions of terror and bad sitcoms," Chippy asked Kirby as he jumped up and down.

Suddenly, Akara ran up to us yelling, "Hey, I have a quest for you. Go rescue my love monkey, errrr, I mean good friend, Deckard Cain. Here are your mission objectives.

1. Go to the Dark Woods and retrieve the Scroll of Jim-Bob Jenkins.

2. Give the Scroll of Jim-Bob Jenkins to me to translate.

3. Go to the Stoned Field and touch the Cairn Stones in the order I put on the scroll.

4. Go to Tristram, and rescue Deckard Cain.

That is your mission, should you choose to accept it."

"Ok, let's go!" Kirby said. He pulled out a small magic box and pressed a couple of buttons. It rang suddenly, a voice was heard over the box.

"Its-a me, Mario!" the box said.

"Come over here and take us to the Dark Woods," Kirby shouted into the box.

Minutes later, a giant flying machine flew over here. A weird person with a red hat that had a M on it, a red shirt, and overalls was inside it. "Hop in," Kirby said. So we hopped inside. The machine flew us to the Dark Woods. He dropped us off at the Tree of Jim-Bob Jenkins.

"Thanks for the ride, person," I said as I climbed out. Nearby the tree was three brutes having a tea party. One was named Treehead Woodfist. He was in a pink dress. We snuck by them and took the Scroll of Jim-Bob Jenkins. We opened a town portal and went to Akara. She translated the Scroll of Jim-Bob Jenkins into Spanish, which the necromancer surprisingly understood. We then walked to the Stoned Fields. Soon, we found the Cairn Stones it was guarded by a unique Carver named Rakanishu. Betty said, "Stand back, I'll summon a golem."

Betty began to focus her, I mean his energy. Soon a golem began to rise from the ground. It was a golem made entirely out of cheese. The cheese golem killed Rakanishu. Then Betty looked away from the golem. Kirby ate the golem. Betty looked back at where the golem was.

"What? This always happens. I look away for one second, and my golem disappears," Betty said, starting to cry.

"It's ok Betty, I'm sure you'll find another golem to take its place," said Kirby with a voice filled with fake compassion. Chippy and I just stared. After a few moments of grieving by Betty over the loss of his good friend, the cheese golem, Betty read the Scroll of Jim-Bob Jenkins out loud.

"First take a squirrel, stuff it your pants, then run around the Cairn Stones in a circle while shouting 'CHEESE!' at the top of your lungs. Then the portal to Tristram will open. Pay the doorman 25 cents to pass through the portal and arrive in beautiful Tristram, the cheese and beer capital of Sanctuary," Betty read directly from the scroll.

"A squirrel? Where the heck are we going to find a... oh crap," Chippy said as all eyes turned to him.

Moments later, Chippy's voice could be heard from deep within the depth's of Betty's pants saying, "This is really uncomfortable."

"And you think I'm enjoying this. Now shut up while I preform the spell," Betty said as he took a deep breath.

"CHEESE!" Betty shouted as he ran around the Cairn Stones. Soon the sky grew dark, and clouds began to cover the sky. Lightning shot down and struck the Cairn Stones. Then a group of guys with shirts that said Stage Crew that were carrying a red portal ran out into the middle of the Cairn Stones and set the portal into the middle of the stones. Then, the doorman appeared.

"Alright, chop chop. Pay me 25 cents and let us get this over with." the doorman, who was a Fallen with a bellboy uniform on, said. I dug into my pocket and pulled out a

quarter. I handed the doorman the quarter and the group stepped in front of the portal.

" Now how does this work?" Kirby asked.

"Like this!" said the bellboy. He stood behind us and shoved us into the portal.

We arrived in Tristram. We realized that all the rubble of the old buildings had been shoved into the middle of the city and formed into a building. We walked into the building and saw everyone disco dancing. Deckard Cain was suspended in the middle of the floor wearing a shiny suit with lights reflecting off of him. After a while of staring at Deckard Cain, we killed all the monsters. Deckard Cain walked up to us.

"Why did you kill my employers?"

"Employers!?!" I said.

"Yes they paid me a good amount if I was the disco ball. They would let me live."

"But now they're dead. You don't have to worry."

"That mans I'm going to die. I no longer am their disco ball. Plus, you guys took away my shiny suit..."

I opened a town portal and shoved him through it. I was tired of listening to his rambling about his...job. Yes, I think that's it.

The town portal closed behind us. Stupid Deckard Cain. So we went back to the portal that we used to come to Tristram. The doorman stood in our way.

"Please allow us to pass," I said. "No can do buck-o. I need another 25 cents in order to let you pass," the doorman said. So we walked around town until we saw a really fat zombie named Griswold playing chess with a rock.

"Hey, zombie dude. If you move your rook three spaces forward, you'll put the rock in checkmate," Chippy said. The zombie moved his rook three spaces forward.

"CHECKMATE!" Griswold shouted! He then picked the rock up and pulled a quarter out from beneath it.

"Here you go squirrel dude. You can have the quarter that the rock bet on that game of chess because you told me the winning move," Griswold said as he gave Chippy the quarter. So we took the quarter back to the doorman and the doorman pushed us back through the portal. After arriving back at the Stoned Field, we walked back to the Rouge Encampment.

When we got back to the Rouge Encampment, we went to Akara. "As a reward here are some Froot Loop Decoder Rings. They will give you 0.5 to all stats."

We then went to Charsi to have her repair our weapons and armor. While there, Charsi told us all about her hammer, the Horadric Malus.

"The Horadric Malus is a magical hammer that I got by sending in 100 box tops and $2.95 to Froot Loops. It arrived in the mail 2-6 business weeks later. It can imbue your weapons with the ability to do 10-20 Lactose Damage. But I left it at the monastery when we ran away from Andariel. Could you go get it back for me. It is in the barracks, being guarded by the Smith, but I'm sure a big, strong, hot druid like you could kill it, Bob," Charsi said.

"Umm... OK," I said. We finished having our weapons repaired and started walking towards the Monastery. On the way there a strange metal ship carrying a giant turtle with spikes on its shell crashed. The giant turtle thing crawled out of the wreckage and roared.

"I am BOWSER, THE UNBEATABLE KOOPA KING," the turtle thing shouted, "All who oppose me shall be roasted to a golden brown color and be eaten!"

"Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi," Chippy shouted. The turtle thing stared at Chippy.

"I shall roast you all and eat you! Because I'm hungry!" Bowser shouted. He was about to roast us with fire breath when the strange metal ship that the red-hatted, overall-wearing, mustached Italian plumber was driving crashed into him and knocked him into the sky.

"Looks like Team Rocket is blasting off again... no wait... I will defeat you Goku... no wait wrong line again.... Let's Duel!... ARGH!!!!....TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!... NO THAT WAS THE WRONG LINE AGAIN!!!" Bowser shouted before he disappeared into the sky as a shining star. Then the metal thing that hit him's lights began to blink as it backed up. Then it flew of into the sky. Then it fell from the sky after it hit a flying duck, and it crashed into Microsoft headquarters of Sanctuary, preventing X-Box from ever being sold in Sanctuary. There was a big party. Then we resumed our quest.

After two hours of walking and listening to Chippy's constant rambling, we finally reached the Monastery. Then it was another two hours of walking and fighting monsters before we found the Smith.

"Hello. I am the Smith. I want to be governor of California. What can I do for you," the Smith said in a thick Austrian accent.

"We're here to take the Horadric Malus back to Charsi," Betty said.

"Well here it is. You can just take it. And take this free gold as well," the Smith said.

"Nice try you foul beast, but I won't fall for your tricks. Hand over the Horadric Malus you son-of-a-telemarketer," Kirby shouted.

"Why you little... my mother was not a telemarketer. I will kill you all for that remark." the Smith shouted.

"Oh crap. See what you did Kirby. You made him mad." I said.

The Smith took out a very big metal wand and pulled a trigger. A lot of small metal round things began to shoot out of the tip. We all hid.

"I can take him," Kirby said. Kirby then pulled his guns out. He leaped into the air. Suddenly everything was moving in slow motion. Kirby was dodging the Smith's bullets. Chippy started to sneeze. The kirby leapt into the air and started shooting at the Smith. A bunch of bullets hit the Smith. He fell down dead. Then everything went back into normal speed. Chippy finished sneezing.

"I'll be back..." the Smith said as he died. We took the Horadric Malus and all the gold in the room. Then we went to the waypoint and teleported back to town. We gave Charsi the Horadric Malus.

"Thank you. Now I can imbue your weapons with the ability to do 10-20 Lactose damage." Charsi said, staring at me.

"No thanks. That's just stupid." I said.

"You can imbue my gun if you want," Kirby said. He handed Charsi his guns. She imbued them.

"Suddenly Deckard Cain ran up to us," Chippy said out loud.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Betty asked.

"I was just reading a line from this piece of paper I found that says 'Bob and Chippy's Excellent Adventure- Script'" Chippy said.

Suddenly Deckard Cain ran up to us. "Guys, I have an urgent new quest for you to do. Plus, if you complete this quest, you get to go to Act Two!" Deckard Cain said.

"Give us the quest already you old coot," Kirby said.

"I want you to go kill Andariel. She is hiding on the lowest level of the Catacombs. She is being guarded by an army of very powerful monsters. So go kill her. Now," Deckard Cain said. So we went to the way point, fought our way through many boring monster until we reached level one of the Catacombs.

"Well, lets begin the long, hard climb down to Andariel," Betty said.

"Or we could take Andariel's secret elevator down to the final level of the catacombs," Chippy said.

"And how are we supposed to find the secret elevator?" Betty asked.

"Well, according to my Diablo 2 Player's Guide, the secret elevator is right beside the entrance to the Catacombs, with a big neon sign that says 'Secret Elevator Here' above it." Chippy said.

We very quickly found the secret elevator. We took it down to Andariel's lair.

Once down there we saw a huge horde of evil monsters. They were about to attack us when Kirby pulled out his magic box again.

" I know! I'll call the three clones of me from Kirby and the Amazing Mirror here to help us fight." Kirby said. He pulled the magic box up to his ear. I could hear a voice coming out of it. "I'm sorry but you have gone way over your minutes, plus you're roaming. If you wish to make a call, it will cost you $100,000,000. Press 1 to continue with your call." a strange female voice said.

"OH GAWD D!" Kirby shouted.

"What the f, Kirby just beeped. Holy s, I beeped too. Huh? What the h is going on?" Chippy said.

Suddenly a man in a business suit appeared out of nowhere. "Hello, I am a lawyer. In order to keep this story at a PG-13 rating, we had to cut out all vulgar words. The only word you are allowed to say is ass, and only if you're talking about a donkey." he said before he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"Story? What is that supposed to mean? To you guys think we're all really characters in a story. Does that mean that our fates are all being controlled by some geeks at a computer typing a lame excuse of a fan fiction." Betty said.

Suddenly, a bunch of metal things with wheels pulled up. A bunch of guys in suits with sunglasses stepped out and held up strange metal wand with a red light on the front.

"Everyone please look into this light," one of the men in black suits said. Betty stared right at the light. Chippy, Kirby, and I looked away. We saw a bright light flash to our side. We looked back at Betty. She, I mean, he was staring into space.

"What was I talking about again?" Betty said.

"Nothing," the men in black suits said.

The men in black left.

We started to slay the monsters with our pointy weapons. Betty summoned a cheese golem and it plowed through all of Andariel's minions. Soon we reached the door into her room. We walked up to the door. It was one of those auto-open doors. They opened. Andariel was in there playing X-Box.

"She is evil," Chippy whispered into my ear.

Andariel looked from her game of "Hero Hunter" and saw the cheese golem. Then she looked at Betty and said, "So, the rumors are true. There is a necromancer that can summon a being made from my only weakness."

"What the F does that mean?" asked Chippy.

"See, great heroes, I'm LACTOSE-INTOLERANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dun dun dun," stated Andariel.

"Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo," the cheeses golem said.

"You must die necromancer," Andariel said as she threw a giant boulder at Betty. Then Kirby ate the cheese golem.

Kirby screamed,"Nooooooooooooooo!!!. That's the last of the great-tasting cheese golems because Betty is dead. You die now B!"

Once again everything went in slow motion. Kirby pulled out his gun and shot a bullet made out of milk. The speeding bullet, going as fast as a speeding bullet in slow motion, pierced Andariel's stomach.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!," Andariel shouted in slow motion. She melted into a pool of pudding. ( Author's Note: I like pudding- Mike the Great) (Author's Note: So do I- Jarred)

From the pool of pudding, I grabbed an amulent that gave 10 to my Bling-Bling. Chippy grabbed a spork that gave him 100 to Eating Skills.

"Kirby..." Betty said, who was apparently not quite dead.

Kirby said, "What is it Betty?"

"Take my...wand...the one in my hand.... it gives 3 to summon Cheese Golem...use it uhh." Betty said as he finally died. (Author's Note: We think he's dead- Jarred)

"YES!" Kirby shouted as he took the wand from Betty's cold, dead hands.

Moments later, after we had returned to camp, we prepared to leave with Warriv.

"Well, I need to get going. Nintendo needs me for some new game called 'Paper Legend of Kirby Prime Country: Majora's Ocarina of Wind Waker's Mask.' See you later." Kirby said as he pulled out a new magic box. He pressed a button on this one and a flying star came down and picked him up. He flew off into the distance.

"I'm coming with you. I like field trips. They're fun," Deckard Cain said as he put his bags in the trunk of Warriv's Magical Bus of Travel.

Finally we set off, off to Las Gholein and Act Two.

Well there's our story. We hoped you liked it. Please review. If you don't, we'll send the Mexican Mafia to your house. And all flames will be used to roast dinner. Bye!


	2. Act II

Bob and Chippy's Excellent Adventure

By Jarred the Best and Mike the Great

Chapter Two Las Gholein

Authors' note: From now on, we will put the disclaimer at the end so we won't spoil anything for all you nice readers out there, who want to review our story (Hint Hint) - Mike and Jarred.

After months of slowly moving across the desert, we finally reached Las Gholein. God, was the trip horrible. Deckard Cain wouldn't shut up and Chippy kept going "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" It drove me crazy. I was about to kill them when we arrived in Las Gholein. There were neon lights and casinos everywhere. We soon met the mayor of the town, Jerhyn. He was hiding in a trash can.

"Hello, we're looking for Jerhyn, have you seen him?" I asked Jerhyn, not knowing he was Jerhyn yet.

"You're debt collectors, aren't you? Drat, they found my hiding place. Looks like I have to leave," he replied.

"No wait we aren't debt collectors, we're brave heroes," Chippy said.

"Oh, that's a relief! I'm Jerhyn, the mayor. I'm hiding from the debt collectors because I'm a gambling addict. I tried going to Gamblers Anonymous, but someone bet me 50 gold I couldn't make it. I lost," Jerhyn said. "Make your self at home in this wonder city of Las Gholein."

We walked around the city until we met a girl named Atma outside the bar.

"Hello, my name is Atma. A mummy named Radament killed my family. Now he must die. He lives in the sewers." Atma declared.

"We'll kill him for you. Not that we have anything better to do," Chippy said.

We walked over to the sewer's entrance, where we met Greiz. He sold mercenaries.

"Wazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz up! My name is Greiz, homie. I got what you need, if you know what I mean," he said.

"You mean mercenaries, right?" I asked.

"Oh yeah squirrel dude, what did you think I meant? Did you think I was trying to sell something illegal to you?" he questioned.

"Oh, a couple things popped into my mind," Chippy said slyly.

We bought a mercenary named Luke Skywalker.

"Hello, my name is Luke Skywalker. I am a mighty Jedi master. I am on a quest to restore peace to the galaxy. And to score with a chick. Would you believe me if I said I was still a virgin?" Luke said to us.

"I'm not surprised," Chippy said, rolling his eyes.

"I don't understand it. I have a big saber. Here look at it," Luke said as he reached into his pants.

"Oh no we don't want to see that," I said as I went to block my eyes.

"What, what's wrong with seeing my weapon," he said as he pulled out a strange metal stick. He pressed a button on it and a blade made of pure energy came out of it. "This is my big lightsaber," he boasted.

We soon ventured down into the sewers. Soon a hoard of angry mummies, skeletons, and sand raiders ambushed us.

"I'll take care of them," Luke said. He waved his hand and said, "You will not attack us. You will all go to sleep for a buhzillion years." For some strange reason, the undead dudes listened. So I killed them in there sleep for experience. Soon, we reached Radament.

" I knew you would come. I saw your arrival, Luke," Radament said, in a cheesy Darth Vader voice.

"How dare you impersonate my father. Sure, me and him are characters in a movie, but stop imitating him!" Luke said as he drew his lightsaber.

"Come, join me. Join the Dark Side of the Force," Radament demanded.

"Never! Not even my old man could get me join the Dark Side," Luke said.

"Very well. Then you must...DIE!" the mummy said as he pulled out a double-bladed lightsaber. "I got this at a Star Wars convention."

Luke and Radament engaged in a fierce lightsaber battle. They spent a couple minutes fighting before Luke cut Radament in half.

"Luke, I must tell you something. Luke, I am your father," Radament said.

"Noooooo...wait, my dad is Darth Vader," Luke stated.

"I know, I just always wanted to say that," Radament said as he turned to dust. Then the wind blew Radament's remains into the air. As his dust blew away, we heard Radament's voice say, "This is CNN.....Signing off."

We returned to the surface. Luke Skywalker flew off into the sky in a flying machine he called a X-Wing. We returned to Atma and got our reward, the Horadric Scroll.

"I know you were supposed to grab this in the sewers, but the author's forgot to make you, so they gave the scroll to me," she said.

We went to Deckard Cain. We gave him the Horadric Scroll. He looked at it. Afterwards, he went into a porta-potty to "look" at it some more. Then he tried to give it back to us. It was covered in brown.

"You can keep it," I said.

"Yeah! It's better than 2-ply. Oh I forgot, you have to look for the Horadric stuff. Look in Chippy's player's guide," he said as he went back to the porta-potty.

According to the player's guide we had to go to the Halls of the Dead to find the Horadric Gamecube. So we went to the bar to rest up for our journey. There we met a sorceress, who was drinking some 100-proof vodka. She was drunk, really, really, REALLY drunk.

"Hello handsome. Do you come here often?" she asked a stool. The stool didn't reply. (Author's Note: No crap Mike- Jarred)

"Um, hello sorceress. My name is Bob, and this is my squirrel Chippy. What is your name wise sorceress?" I stated.

"My name is Abraham Lincoln. Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers came to this country for booze," she said, standing up and then falling down.

"Well OK, Mr. Lincoln," Chippy said, staring at the sorceress.

"What, where's Abe Lincoln. I'll give him emancipation," the sorceress said.

The sorceress, who the bartender said was named Budweiser or Bud for short, then passed out. We dragged Bud up to her room. Then we waited until the next morning. She was still drunk, but wasn't as drunk. So we then went to the desert to began walking to the Halls of the Dead. We were halfway there when a weird person with spiky yellow hair flew down from the sky.

"My name is Goku and I'm here to find the dragon's balls, Hi-yah," the freak said.

"I'll give you some dragon's balls," Bud said as she shot a fireball at Goku's head. It missed by a foot. But oddly enough his hair caught on fire.

"Oh no, that fire caught the fumes from the massive amounts of hair spray I use on fire. I just hope the fire doesn't cause the can of hair spray I keep in my hair, in case my hair goes flat, to explode and..." Goku started, but luckily for us the can of hair spray did explode and kill him. We were very happy. So we went the rest of the way to the Halls of the Dead singing about how Goku was dead and that Dragonball Z was no more! (Author's Note: YAY! Ding dong, Goku is dead- Mike)

We soon arrived at the Halls of the Dead. We went inside and battled mummy after mummy after mummy after mommy. Soon we reached were the Horadric Gamecube was held. It was guarded by a Huntress named Bloodwitch the Wild.

"Hey there hot stuff, how would ya' like a piece of this cake," Bloodwitch said to Chippy.

"You leave my boyfriend alone," Bud said.

"That squirrel is your boyfriend?" Bloodwitch inquired.

"He is not my boyfriend!" Bud shouted.

"But you just said.." Bloodwitch began.

"I shut said up," Bud said. She then shot a fireball at Bloodwitch. This one hit the target. Bloodwitch then stopped, dropped, and rolled. (Author's Note: Remember kids, if catch on fire, do what Bloodwitch did. Stop, Drop, and Roll- Mike) (Author's Note: Shut up Mike- Jarred)

"I'll get you for burning my shirt and bra off," Bloodwitch shouted.

"Bring it on North Dakota," Bud said as she torn her own shirt and bra off. Bud and Bloodwitch then began to wrestle. They fell into a pit of conveniently-placed gelatin and continued to wrestle. Needless to say, Chippy and I were very turned on.

Moments later, Chippy, a topless Bud, and I walked out of the Halls of the Dead. I had the Horadric Gamecube in my inventory. Bud had Bloodwitch's head in her inventory. We found a new shirt and bra for Bud and helped her into them. (Author's Note: Booooo! -Jarred)

"Now watch as I fly to the the the the the," Bud said. Then she threw up.

"Ok, let's walk to the Maggot Lair," I said. So we walked. And we walked. And we walked some more. Then we sprinted. Then we partied with the desert animals. Then we walked some more. Then, after hitch-hiking with a truck filled with illegal Mexican immigrants, we reached the Maggot Lair. Outside the Maggot Lair, we met a weird, flat, pixilated dude named Mr. Game and Watch.

"My buddy went into the Maggot Lair to get the Horadric Shaft. I think he's coming back. Yeah, he is. Hey Link!" Mr. Game and Watch said beepingly.

"Hey Mr. Game and Watch. Hey who is this guys," a tall dude with pointy ears, a green tunic, a pointy green hat, a sword and a shield said.

"The poison from the maggot queen, Coldworm, makes him speak with bad grammar. It's only temporary," Mr. Game and Watch said.

"My name is Bob, and this is Chippy and that is," I began, but Bud cut me off.

"My name is Link. I am on a never-ending quest my girlfriend, Bud the hot sorceress," Bud said and then puked.

"Mine name are Link, or mine girlfriend's name is being Zelda, not Bud the sorceress hot," Link said.

"Oh, shut up," Chippy said as he slapped Link.

"Thank you small squirrel. Your slap cured me of the poison," Link said.

"You're welcome Mr. Dentist," Bud said.

"O-Kay. What's her problem," Link questioned.

"Oh, don't mind her. Her name is Bud. She's drunk," I said.

"Oh," Link said.

So our party ventured to the Claw Viper Temple. We went in there. It was empty.

"Hello!" Chippy said.

"Hello!" his echo restated.

We soon found the final floor of the Claw Viper Temple. It was empty like the rest of the temple. We found a note next to the Horadric Amulet. It said:

"We have gone to Las Gholein to play Blackjack. Be back soon. Please don't take the Horadric Amulet."

- Fangskin, the unique Claw Viper that should be guarding the amulet.

"Too bad, too sad," Chippy said as he grabbed the Horadric Amulet.

"Now now, didn't you read my note. I, Fangskin, order you to put the amulet back!" Bud said.

"Shut up," Link said.

We went back to Las Gholein and followed the directions on the Horadric Gamecube to create the Horadric Staff. Then we went to Deckard Cain.

"You must go to the Arcane Sanctuary and kill the Summoner. But, there is one problem," Cain said.

"What's the problem, huh, huh, huh, huh," Chippy said.

"Squirrels can't enter the portal to the Arcane Sanctuary. You will have to stay behind Chippy," Cain said.

"Hey this is Chippy. I'm going to be telling the story for awhile now"

"That blows," I said.

"It will be ok Chippy. We'll bring you back a souvenir," Bob said.

"YAY, YAY, YAY, YAY, YAY, YAY!," I said running around in circles.

After Bob and the other's left, I took a nap in our hotel. When I woke up, I went to the casino. I went straight for the poker table. I played several games, winning them all. That's when he came.

"Hello, my name is Yugi. I like playing card games. Can I play with you? I'm broke but I'm sure you don't mind," a short, spiky haired freak with a golden pyramid around his neck.

"Sure you can play. That's nice bling-bling you have there," I said.

"You mean my Millennium Puzzle. Yeah, I suppose it does classify as bling-bling," Yugi said.

"Here's the deal- if I win, you must let me shave your head. If you win, I must let you shave my tail," I said.

We played poker. As you can guess, I won.

"No, my beautiful, overly-spiky hair. Well, a deal is a deal. Shave away," Yugi said. So I shaved him, and then took some pictures so I would always remember this day and just incase I needed to blackmail him, I could. That's when Bob came back.

"Bob here. My turn to resume narration of MY tale"

"You are soooooooooooo lucky Chippy. First we had to fight a bunch of strong monsters to get into the Sanctuary. Then we had to navigate maze after maze in the Arcane Sanctuary. Then Link asked a dying monster for directions to the Summoner. Then when we reached the Summoner, we had to kill him. God, that was a long fight. So then we went to the Canyon of the Magi. There we saw a waypoint, so we came back here to heal and find you," I said to Chippy.

"Well, then let's go kick Duriel's butt!" Chippy said.

So, Link, Bud, Chippy, and I went to the Canyon of the Magi. Then we made a random guess on what tomb was Tal-Rasha's real tomb. We had to guess because Bud had eaten the book that told us the symbol on the outside of Tal-Rasha's true tomb. Luckily, our guess was right because in the inside of the tomb, we found a sign that said "Welcome to the tomb of Tal-Rasha"

After battling our way through hordes of evil monsters, we found the Orifice we were supposed to put the Horadric Staff into. So we did and entered Duriel's Lair. There we found Duriel. He was sitting in front of a fire place, reading a book and had a cup of tea beside him.

"Well top o' the morning to ya, good chaps. My name is Duriel." Duriel said in a British accent.

Link started twitching weirdly. "We have come to slay you foul beast," He said, twitching.

"Well that's too bad. I was hoping we could discuss some Shakespearian literature over a spot of tea. Then we could possibly turn the tellie on and watch it," Duriel said.

"ACK, THAT'S IT! I HATE BRITISH PEOPLE!!!" Link screamed. Link the drew his sword and charged at Duriel.

The fight between Duriel and Link was to graphic to describe. It is too horrible to describe. I don't even like thinking of it. If I told you what happened that day, you would all be puking right now. So instead I will say the word "puppy." Every one loves puppies.

Puppy. We now will resume our regularly scheduled programing already in progress.

"Bloody Brit," Link said as he wiped Duriel's blood of his sword. So we then went to where Tal-Rasha was supposed to be, but he was gone. Some angel guy with really bright wings named Tyrael told us Diablo freed Tal-Rasha, who was holding Baal in side him. So we went back to Las Gholein, gambled a bit, ditched Bud at some bar, ditched Link at some Legend of Zelda Fan's Convention, and then went to go on the boat to Act 3. Just as we were about to board the boat, the boat disappeared. Then two kids appeared out of nowhere. One was tall, handsome, and very muscular. The other was short, not that good-looking and very weak. (Author's Note: You wish Mike. We all know who the ladykiller is.- Jarred) (Author's Note: Ok, Ok. I'll fix it- Mike.)

One was tall, slightly good-looking, and not very muscular. The other was short, not any better looking, and muscular.

"My name is Mike the Great. I am one of the amazing authors behind the story 'Bob and Chippy's Excellent Adventure'," the tall one said.

"I am Jarred the Best. I am the other author behind this great story that you should all review," the short, but muscular, one said.

"We have a quest for you. You must go into the desert and get us....... What were they suppose to get us again," Mike the Great said.

"The Everlasting Cup of Pudding. You are so much smarter than me Mike the Great," Jarred the Short said. (Author's Note: Mike typed that last sentence. I am so much smarter- Jarred) (Author's Note: You wish Jarred. We all know who is the smarter one- Mike)

"No, we refuse to go into the desert again," Chippy said.

"Yeah, he's right. We aren't going into the desert again," I said.

"You will to. We are the authors and can do anything we want. Except swear. Not even we can beat the lawyers that prevent us from swearing," Jarred the Best said.

"We are not stepping foot into that desert," I said.

Moments later, we were walking through the desert, looking for the Everlasting Cup of Pudding.

"What, how did we get here. But, we were, and we weren't, and aw crap," Chippy said.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, We told you you would go to the desert," Mike the Great's disembodied voice said.

So Chippy and I walked through the desert until we found the Temple of Everlasting Desserts.

"Stop making us do things we don't want to do," I said.

"Then all of a sudden, Bob began to dance," Jarred the Best's voice said.

Then all of a sudden, I began to dance.

"Then Chippy and Bob went into the temple and fought a giant monster made of Jell-O. When they defeated it, they found the Everlasting Cup of Pudding, then they town portaled back to town," Mike the Great's voice said.

Then Chippy and I went into the temple and fought a giant monster made of Jell-O. When we defeated it, we found the Everlasting Cup of Pudding, then we town portaled back to town.

"I hate you guys," I said.

"Then Bob gave Mike the Great and Jarred the Best the Everlasting Cup of Pudding and said 'You guys are the coolest people in the whole world.'," Jarred the Best's voice said.

Then I gave Mike the Great and Jarred the Best the Everlasting Cup of Pudding and said, "You guys are the coolest people in the whole world."

So then Mike the Great and Jarred the Best teleported away with their pudding cup, and the boat to Act 3 reappeared and we went to Act 3, in Kurast.

DISCLAIMER: We do not own Diablo 2, any Nintendo characters or systems, Dragonball Z, Yu-Gi-Oh, any presidents or states mentioned, Jell-O, Budweiser, Shakespeare, Shakespeare's works, the word tellie (That's Britain's word), or Star Wars. So there.

We hope you liked our story. Please review, and all flames will be used to keep Santa out of our house. Let's see how well Mr. Claus can go down a chimney with fire in it.

ADDITIONAL DISCLAIMER: Oh, and we don't own Santa Claus.


	3. Act III

**Bob and Chippy's Excellent Adventure**

By Mike the Great and Jarred the Best

Act 3: Kurast

Insert Author's Note here: Hi. Um, we're back. Here's the story.

Another Author's Note: In several parts of this chapter, characters will speak in a foreign language. When they do, we will provide a handy translation next to what they said.

We had finally arrived in Kurast after a long journey across the sea. Boy was I glad to be on land again. Chippy got seasick, and it was a huge mess. We stepped onto the docks and looked around. Chippy turned to me and whispered, "Bob, I see morons."

"I know, I see them too," I said.

"Well boys, if you need me, I'll be by your private stash trying to break in...I mean guarding it. Yes, guarding it," Deckard Cain said.

Chippy and I walked around town looking for a quest. But no one had a quest. So we walked to the jungle to find something to kill. On the way out we saw an Amazon with rather large breasts. Oh, and a bow.

"Hello, my name is Bob. I'm a druid. And this is Chippy, my squirrel sidekick," I said.

"Ooooh, you have very large jugs," Chippy said.

"Hola, mi nombre es Maria y tengo un arco," she said.

(Translation: Hello, my name is Maria and I have a bow)

"Um, ok. Hello nombre, my name is Chippy. You have very large jugs," Chippy said very slowly.

"Um Chippy, I think her name is Maria," I said.

"Why do you think that?" Chippy asked.

"Well, Maria was capitalized when Mike and Jarred typed it and nombre wasn't," I replied.

"Ohhhhhhhhh," Chippy said.

Suddenly, a book fell into my hands. It was the book 7438 Useful Spanish Phrases. It had a note on front of the cover. The note said, "USE THIS TO TALK TO THE AMAZON. IT HAS SPANISH WORDS IN IT. FROM, MIKE THE GREAT AND JARRED THE BEST."

"Ok, let's see here. Hola, mi nombre es Bob. Soy un druid. Éste es mi sidekick de la ardilla, Chippy," I said

(Translation: Hello, my name is Bob. I am a druid. This is my squirrel sidekick, Chippy.)

"Niza para satisfacer le, Bob y Chippy," Maria said.

(Translation: Nice to meet you, Bob and Chippy.)

"Síganos," I said.

(Translation: Follow us.)

"Bien." she said.

(Translation: Alright.)

We walked into the jungle. After walking for 3 minutes, we began to here music. It was another 2 minutes before I recognized the music.

"Is that the music to Thriller?" I said.

"It can't be. That would mean, he is here." Chippy said.

We all turned around. Standing right in front of us was...Michael Jackson! And behind Michael Jackson was an army of zombies dancing to the tune of Thriller! Maria took out her bow and tried to shoot the zombies. But they just danced out of the way of the arrows. Suddenly I had an idea.

"Hey, Michael Jackson. Look behind you. It's a small child," I shouted.

"Where," Michael Jackson said as he turned around, " I don't see any small children. You're just ignorant."

"NOW CHIPPY," I shouted.

Chippy leapt at Michael Jackson and snapped his neck. Then all the zombies turned into fuzzy bunnies and ran off into the jungle.

"Yay, we killed Michael Jackson!" Chippy shouted, "Hey, there is something in his pants."

"You grab it Chippy," I said.

"No, you grab it Bob," Chippy said.

"No you grab it," I said.

"No you grab it," Chippy said.

"No you," I said.

"No you," Chippy said.

"You," I said.

"You," Chippy said.

"You," I said.

"You," Chippy said.

"No you," I said.

"No you," Chippy said.

"You," I said.

"You," Chippy said.

"You," I said.

"You," Chippy said.

"No you," I said.

"No you," Chippy said.

"You," I said.

"You," Chippy said.

"You," I said.

"You," Chippy said.

"No you," I said.

"No you," Chippy said.

"You," I said.

"You," Chippy said.

"You," I said.

"You," Chippy said.

"No you," I said.

"No you," Chippy said.

"You," I said.

"You," Chippy said.

"You," I said.

"You," Chippy said.

"No you," I said.

"No you," Chippy said.

"You," I said.

"You," Chippy said.

"You," I said.

"You," Chippy said.

"No you," I said.

"No you," Chippy said.

"You," I said.

"You," Chippy said.

"You," I said.

"You," Chippy said.

"Lo haré," Maria said as she reached into Michael Jackson's pants. After a minute of rummaging around she pulled out the Jade Idol.

(Translation: I will do it.)

"Encontré esto donde su pene debe estar," Maria said holding up the Jade Idol.

(Translation: I found this where his penis should be.)

"You know what, learn some English you f-EXPLETIVE DELETED immigrant," Chippy screamed.

"Wow, the lawyers have a new way to censor us," I said.

We took Michael Jackson's toy, I mean the Jade Idol into town. We talked to Deckard Cain about what to do with it.

"Um, maybe you should read Chippy's Diablo 2 Player's Guide. I don't know what you should do with it," Cain said.

So we read Chippy's Player's Guide and it told us to take it to Meshif. So we took it to Meshif and he gave us a gold bird. Then the Player's Guide told us the gold bird was the Golden Bird of Ronald McDonald. The Player's Guide told us to give the bird to Alkor. So we went to his hut.

"Hey y'all. If you mow you lawn and find a car, you might be a redneck," Alkor said.

"Oh no, not redneck jokes. Why, why Mike the Great and Jarred the Best, why did you make him tell redneck jokes," I said.

"For two reasons. 1. Redneck jokes are funny and 2. We hate you," Mike the Great's voice said.

Jarred the Best's voice laughed evilly.

"If you leave the Golden Bird of Ronald McDonald here, I'll make a Big Mac of Life that lets you git-r-done. Oh, and it gives you 20 extra life permanently," Alkor said.

"Just take it," Chippy said, handing him the Bird.

We walked out of his hut. Then, because the Player's Guide told us that he would be done, we walked back in to his hut. Alkor had the Big Macs of Life ready.

"You want fries with that?" Alkor asked

"Um, no thanks," I said as I took the Big Mac and ate it.

"Then let me leave you with these words of wisdom. If you have ever been accused of lying through your tooth, you might be a redneck," Alkor said.

"Quick Chippy, run. Before he tells another redneck joke," I said. We ran from Alkor's hut.

"All right, to speed the chapter up, we are going to use our author powers to instantly give you the Gidbinn quest," Jarred the Best's voice boomed.

So we walked into the jungle to find the Gidbinn. After an hour of walking and killing stuff, we ran into Donkey Kong.

"Hello, my name are Donkey Kong. You are called what?" Donkey Kong said.

"My name is Bob, this is Chippy the squirrel and that is Maria the Spanish-speaking Amazon," I said.

"Hola," Maria said.

(Translation: Hello.)

"Hey Maria, there is something I' ve been wanting to say since we met," Chippy said as he pulled out 7438 Handy Spanish Phrases.

"Tengo un pollo en mis pantalones y una cabra está comiendo su ropa interior," Chippy said.

(Translation: I have a chicken in my pants and a goat is eating your underwear.)

Maria slapped him.

"What did you say to her?" I asked.

"I think I said 'Let's have a sandwich together and maybe even go out on a date' but I could have translated wrong," Chippy said.

"Usted es una ardilla muy estúpida," Maria said.

(Translation: You are a very stupid squirrel.)

So then, Donkey Kong joined our party and we walked and killed stuff some more. Then we walked a bit farther. Then we realized we were lost.

"We already passed that tree," Chippy said.

"You know how?" Donkey Kong asked.

"I'm a squirrel. We squirrels can tell these kind of things," Chippy said.

"I know the way to the Gidbinn," a mysterious voice said.

"Who said that?" I asked.

"I did. I'm Rocky the Talking Rock," the voice said.

"Rocky the Talking Rock...ROCKY THE TALKING ROCK! Come on guys, that's pathetic. Even for you," I said.

"HEY! We ran out of ideas," Mike the Great's voice boomed.

"It's still lame, with a capital lame," Chippy said.

"That's it, as punishment for calling my idea lame..." Mike the Great's voice began.

"Even though it is," Jarred the Best's voice said.

"Shut up. As I was saying, before I was SO rudely interrupted, as punishment, I will teleport the Gidbinn up Donkey Kong's donkey, if you know what I mean," Mike the Great's voice said.

"You mean me's butt, not do you," Donkey Kong said.

"Yeah," Mike the Great's voice said as a snapping noise was heard.

"YEEEEEOWWWWWWWWW! MY'S A-EXPLETIVE DELETED," Donkey Kong shouted.

"Alright, in order to avoid another two pages of arguing, we'll draw straws. However gets the shortest straw has to reach up Donkey Kong's butt," I said. So we drew straws. And Chippy got the shortest.

"AW GAWD D-EXPLETIVE DELETED IT, F-EXPLETIVE DELETED PIECE OF S-EXPLETIVE DELETED LUCK," Chippy screamed. (Author's Note: If it weren't for the lawyers, that would of been a very long string of profanity- Mike the Great)

Moments later Chippy stepped out wearing a Haz-Mat suit.

"I'm going in," Chippy said as he walked up Donkey Kong's butt.

"Ooooooooh, aaaaaaaaaaah, uh, oook," Donkey Kong grunted.

We now take a commercial break for a word from our sponsor: Viagra.

Yoda walks out to the middle of a bedroom. He climbs into a bed.

"When as old as me, are you, not so easy to get stiff it is," Yoda says.

"So when I need my lightsaber to get a bit longer, I take Viagra. And now since Medicare covers Viagra, it's easy than ever to get," Yoda says.

Camera zooms out to see who Yoda is in bed with. He's sleeping with Bud the Drunk Sorceress.

"What am I doing again?" Bud says, drunk.

"We're about to git-r-done," Yoda says.

"Is there booze involved," Bud asks.

"There will be if you want baby!" Yoda says.

"Then do to me whatever you want, Harry Potter," Bud says.

A monkey with dredlocks walks in and says, "WHAT!"

Then the monkey walks over and kicks Yoda in the balls.

"OKAY!" the monkey says.

"Oi," Yoda says.

Then, all the side effects to taking Viagra flash across the screen so fast, no one can read them. People with Direct TV may now pause to read them.

Then the word Viagra appears across the screen as the song "Can't Touch This" begins to play.

Then M.C. Hammer appears with 20 hot cheerleaders and begins to dance with the monkey.

Then the door opens and Trojan Boy walks in and says, "Want to warm things up?"

Then a deep voice says, "TROJAN BOY!"

FIN'

(Author's Note: When we were watching the Super Bowl, we saw a commercial for the top ten things that need to be in a commercial. While we don't remember them all, we crammed as many as we could remember into this commercial. We hope you like it. And please excuse the excessive potty humor that exists in this story. We're perverts.- Mike the Great and Jarred the Best)

We now resume our regularly scheduled adventure in progress. Where were we again?

Moments later Chippy walked out with the Gidbinn and a thermometer.

"Yay, you found the Gidbinn. And a...thermometer?" I said.

"Yeah, I found the Gidbinn and then I saw this thermometer right beside it," he said.

"Oh, that to the vet belong," Donkey Kong said.

So we then town-portaled back to town. Then we went to Ormus. (Author's Note: Hey, I invented a verb-Mike the Great)

"Wow dudes, like what's up. Hey, you're like, a little squirrel dude," Ormus said with a surfer's accent, pointing at Chippy.

"Noooooo, I thought I was a hippopotamus," Chippy said as he rolled his eyes.

"Wow, you mean you're like really a hippo dude," Ormus said

"Yes, I'm a hippo," Chippy said.

"I heard you were the one we were supposed to bring the Gidbinn to," I said.

"Yeah, you like totally heard right. I can like use it to like do this thing that will like protect the town and stuff," Ormus said.

So I handed the Gidbinn to Ormus. He gave me a ring that gave plus 15 to Surfing Skills.. I put it in my pocket.

Then suddenly Donkey Kong dropped due to time out.

Then we talked to Deckard Cain. He told us to check Chippy's Player's Guide 'cause he didn't know squat about Act III. The Player's Guide told us to type "/cheat Organ Harvest" in the chat window to get Kalim's Spleen, Liver and Bladder. So we did. It then told us that Kalim's Lightsaber was in a high-security complex that required a James Bond parody to get into.

We walked through the jungle until we ran into the high-security complex. That's when we met two new party members.

"¡Oh mi dios, es Legolas!" Maria shouted.

(Translation: Oh my God, it's Legolas!)

"The name is Bond, Legolas Bond," Legolas said. He flicked his hair. Several girls, including Maria, fainted.

Then Jon Moctezuma, a good friend of the authors, fell out of the sky.

"Hello, my name is Jon Moctezuma. I am the don of the Mexican Mafia and protector of all things Mexican," Jon said.

Maria woke up and said,"Oh mi dios, es Jon Moctezuma, temido mucho pone de la Mafia mexicana."

(Translation: Oh my God, it's Jon Moctezuma, the much feared don of the Mexican Mafia.)

"Don't worry large-breasted, Spanish-speaking Amazon, I will protect you as if you were part of the family...and I don't mean my parents and sister," Jon said.

So then Jon, Legolas, Chippy, Maria, and I all walked into the high-security complex, because they had left the front door open. Once inside, we encountered several guards with bows and arrows. Legolas pulled out his bow and began shooting all the guards. He killed them. We soon made it to the inner chamber where Kalim's Lightsaber was kept. There we met Auric Goldfinger and Oddjob. You know, Goldfinger and Oddjob. Classic Bond villains. Aw, forget it.

"Very good Mr. Legolas. But you forgot one thing. My assassin, Oddjob!" Goldfinger said.

"But I didn't," Jon shouted. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a packet that said, " Instant Chupacabra, Just Add Water." He then took out a small capsule from the packet and poured water on it. A chupacabra popped out.

Maria screamed, "¡Oh mi dios, es el Chupacabra! Cada uno oculta sus cabras."

(Translation: Oh my God, it's the Chupacabra! Everyone hide your goats.)

Then the Chupacabra killed Oddjob. Jon quickly ran over and took Oddjob's Hat.

We looked around and Goldfinger had ran away. We noticed a yellow puddle where he once stood. It was non-dairy. At least I think.

We soon found Kalim's Lightsaber.

"Well now that you have Kalim's Lightsaber, this is my cue to leave," Legolas said.

"Legolas," Maria said.

(Translation: Legolas.)

"We'll meet again my love. I promise," Legolas said. He and Maria kissed for 30 minutes. Then Legolas strapped on a jet pack and flew off into the distance. Then the entire Legolas Fanclub (Current Membership: 1,000,000,000,000,000,096; 1,000,000,000,000,000,096 of which are women) gave Maria a jealous glare.

We all stared at Jon.

"Oh no, I'm not leaving until Mephesto is dead," Jon said.

We all sighed in despair.

Suddenly, Ormus appeared on his surfboard on a magic tidal wave that was popping out of the ground.

"Like, dudes. All the rest of the quests are like kind of mushed together, so you can like to them at the same time. You like so totally need to like put Kalim's Body Parts and his Lightsaber into the Horadric Gamecube and fuse them to like make Kalim's Uber-Lightsaber. Then you like totally need to like kill the High Council. They're like strong and evil and like scary and stuff. Then you have to like destroy the Compelling Orb with Kalim's Uber-Lightsaber. Then you like have to kill Mephesto. He's like so untubular. He like hates people, because he like is like so totally the Lord of Hatred," Ormus said before he surfed off.

So we fused the Kalim's objects to make Kalim's Uber-Lightsaber. Then we took a Conveniently Placed Portal (TM) to where the High Council was. Jon called in the Mexican Mafia, who helped the High Council make it to there "Slumber party with the fishes," as Jon put it. We then destroyed the Compelling Orb. Then we fought our way trough hordes of enemies until we found Mephesto. He looked like he had just climbed out of a rap music video. He had a red bandana, lots and lots of bling-bling, a jersey, and baggy jean shorts.

"Yo dawgs. Waz up in the hizzle. You ready to die, beyotches," Mephesto said.

"I'll take care of this," Jon said. He pulled out Oddjob's Hat and hurled it at Mephesto.

"Oh shitizzle," Mephesto said just as the hat decapitated him.

"That was off the hizzle," Chippy said.

"Don't you start," I said.

So we defeated Mephesto and returned to town. Awaiting us was a mariachi band and a huge congo line.

"Well guys, that's my cue to leave. So long!" Jon said as he joined the congo line which congoed off into the distance. (Author's Note: Wow, I invented another new verb-Mike the Great)

Maria looked off into the distance. Then she said," Mi dios. Adios Amigos," and ran off into the distance.

(Translation: My god. Goodbye friends.)

Seconds later the Border Patrol ran by shouting, "Stop that Amazon!"

So then we took another Conveniently Placed Portal (TM) to Act 4, H-EXPLETIVE DELETED. Aw man, Mike the Great and Jarred the best better work on getting the lawyers to let us say h-e-double hockey sticks or the next chapter will be kind of annoying.

Well that's the end of that chapter. Now time for the disclaimer.

DISCLAIMER: We do not own Diablo 2; Nintendo, any of its characters or consoles (although we both own Gamecubes) ; Michael Jackson or Thriller (And we're glad) ; McDonald's, Ronald McDonald, or Big Mac; the phrase git-r-done ; any redneck jokes ; any Haz-Mat suits (though we wish we did) ; Viagra ; Yoda or Lightsabers ; Medicare ; Harry Potter ; Direct TV ; M.C. Hammer and the song "Can't Touch This" (we wish we did) ; Trojan Man (which Trojan Boy is a blatant rip-off of) ; the Superbowl ; James Bond, Auric Goldfinger, Oddjob, or Oddjob's Hat ; Legolas ; Jon Moctezuma (because slavery is illegal)

However we do own the Mexican Mafia; the phrase Conveniently Placed Portal (TM) ; Instant Chupacabra, Just Add Water ; Rocky the Talking Rock ; 7438 Handy Spanish Phrases ; and the verbs town-portaled and congoed.


	4. Act IV

Author's Note: Hey everybody! After years...and I mean years, I'm back! And I mean I'm back...lately, Jarred the Best and I haven't been hanging out all that much, and I haven't been to his house in a loooong time. Which is part of the reason Bob and Chippy's hasn't been updated in so long. However, I've decided to try and revive this awesome piece of fanfic-ness myself. So here it is, Mike the Great's attempt to solo write Bob and Chippy's Excellent Adventure.

Oh, and the disclaimer will still be at the end of the story.

Just as I was about to step into the portal into Act 4, the lawyers appeared in a poof of smoke.

"Sorry Bob, but since Act 4 takes place in the 'Bad Place Down Below' we can't let you go there," the main lawyer said.

"But, but, we need to go there and kill stuff and defeat evil and be AWESOME!" Chippy said.

Suddenly, Mike the Great descended down from the sky.

"Hey guys! I know you read the Author's Note, so you know why I'm here alone. I'm here to make these stupid lawyers move and let us go to Hell," Mike the Great said in a booming, godly voice.

"Hey, you can't say-," the lawyer began to say when suddenly a man in a blue suit with spiky brown hair appeared from behind Mike the Great.

"OBJECTION!" the blue suited man shouted while pointing his finger at the lawyers. As he said this, the word objection appeared in red, capital letters in the air and then disappeared.

"No! Not...Phoenix Wright! The greatest lawyer ever!" the lawyers all shouted in unison.

The man I assumed was Phoenix Wright looked very serious as he began to say, "Since Hell is a religious location, or at the very least a location within the context that this story is using, no one here is actually swearing. It's perfectly acceptable for them to say Hell!"

The lawyers all looked like what Phoenix Wright had said hurt them. The head lawyer began to smash his head on a wall that appeared out of nowhere. "You win this round, Mr. Wright," the lawyer said as they disappeared in a poof of smoke.

Mike the Great smiled and turned to Phoenix Wright. "Tanks a lot Mr. Wright. I knew I could count on you. Here's your money," he said as he pulled a large wad on money out of his pocket and handed it to Phoenix Wright. Then, with a snap of his fingers, Mike the Great and Phoenix Wright vanished into thin air.

"Man, am I glad they're gone! I was getting bored! I mean, we were like totally ignored! I don't like being ignored! My name's in the title of this fic, so all eyes should be on me, yes they should on me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me," Chippy said.

"Chippy, did you-," I began when suddenly I was cut off when out of nowhere Deckard Cain ran into us and knocked the three of us into the portal.

I looked around. Hell wasn't that bad of a place. We were in some kind of hotel. I looked up and saw Tyrael standing behind the reception desk.

"Ah, just in time. Deckard Cain called ahead with your reservations. Welcome to the Hotel Hell, the only place in Hell not controlled by Diablo. It's where all the good guys that are fighting Diablo stay. Your rooms will be 500 gold a night," the large angel said. His wings were still very fancy and bright, but seemed slightly dimmer.

"500 a night? That's a rip-off! We're humanity's last hope, and you're charging us money?" I said.

"Come on man, I need the money. Keeping these wings lit isn't cheap, you know?" Tyrael responded.

I grumbled and reluctantly handed over the money for two rooms.

"So which room is mine?" Chippy asked.

"You're sharing with me. Cain gets his own room. There is no way in here that I'm sharing a room with that senile old man," I said.

We slept for a night to get ready for our many battles the next day.

The next morning, Chippy and I awoke and went out of our room. We found Deckard Cain waiting for us.

"You're up awfully early," I said.

"I wet the bed," Deckard Cain said sadly. I stared at him, slightly freaked out, and ran off.

In the lobby of the hotel, I ran into an assassin. However, this assassin was different from most assassins. She was in a wheelchair.

"Oh, nice to see a fellow expansion pack character class, eh! My name is Spam Slayer, eh. I'm a Canadian Assassin, eh. Want to party with me, eh?" the assassin said.

"Sure," I replied. I headed to the reception deck, where Tyrael waited.

"Ah, just in time! I have a quest for you guys! Back in heaven, there was this angel named Izual. He got captured by the bad guys and turned evil. I need you to kill him and loot his corpse for money. He lost a bet to me in heaven, and he still owes me 1000 gold," Tyrael told us. We shrugged our shoulders, and after we found the ramp, head into Hell.

Immediately, several monsters attacked us, but we managed to fight them off. Spam Slayer was actually competent. She killed twice as many monsters as I did.

"This is too easy, eh?" she said. I nodded my head in agreement and killed a couple more monsters before we moved on. As we explored, we were suddenly surrounded by robots.

"Halt! We are leftover battle droids from Star Wars: Episode 1 that Diablo bought on Ebay! We are here to stop you!" one of the robots said. We were about to attack when suddenly I heard some theme music.

"Hey! That sounds like superhero music!" Chippy said.

Suddenly, Batman swung in from nowhere and began to beat up the battle droids. Every once and awhile when he punched a droid, the words POW or BAM would appear out of nowhere. Suddenly, two Super Battle Droids appeared out of nowhere.

"Ah, don't worry! I, Ad...err, Batman have just the solution to this!" he said as he pulled out a small device and pressed a button. A hologram of a woman shot out of his utility belt. She began to rub something on her head.

"HeadOn, apply directly to the forehead! HeadOn, apply directly to the forehead! HeadOn, apply directly to the forehead! HeadOn, apply directly to the forehead! HeadOn, apply directly to the forehead! HeadOn, apply directly to the forehead! HeadOn, apply directly to the forehead!" a voice said in a slightly annoying tone.

The robots looked at each other and actually shot each other. The hologram disappeared.

"Thanks a lot Batman! Want to join our party? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?" Chippy said.

"Yeah, we could use someone with your skills, eh," Spam Slayer added.

Batman looked like he was thinking before he said, "Alright, but on one condition. I get any taffy we find. I'm a man who loves his taffy."

With that settled, we continued our quest. We got into a few more fights here and there. After about 15 minutes of pointless wandering, we finally found Izual.

"I got him!" I said. My sword drawn, I charged at Izual.

Five minutes later, I was dead. It was kind of funny feeling. I felt all warm and fuzzy. I closed my eyes and felt my soul leave my body. It was so relaxing.

Moments later, I opened my eyes and saw Chippy leaning over my face.

"AH! Where am I?" I shouted, startled at the sight of Chippy.

"Bob, you're dead. You've gone to Hell!" Chippy said in an evil sounding voice.

"NOOOOOOOO!!!!! Wait a second, I was already in Hell!" I said, panicked at first but angry when I remembered where I had been.

Chippy began laughing. "Yeah, I know. You just respawned in town. Spam Slayer and Batman killed Izual and opened up a town portal right next to you body. Oh, and Batman found some taffy! He let me have some and it was good and it had sugar and I was hyper so they sent me back here to wait for you and tell you where your corpse is!" he explained.

I shook my head, and noticed all my armor and weapons were gone. Dying sucked. I got up and made my way to the portal and went through. Spam Slayer and Batman were waiting for me by my body. I stopped and tried to think how I could possibly be standing next to my own body, but then shrugged my shoulder and chalked it up to a plot hole. I poked my body and it disappeared, and all my armor appeared on me and my sword was in my hand.

"That was easy," I said. We then fought some more monsters until we realized we didn't have a quest, so we went back to Hotel Hell and found Deckard Cain, who was randomly break dancing for some odd reason.

"Let me guess, you need a quest. Well you've come to Cain, and I'm the best. Mephisto's Soulstone, ya need to smash it! This fic sucks, so now I'll bash it. Word!" Cain suddenly rapped. We all stared at him, dumbfounded. We slowly backed away and regrouped.

"Alright, who has Mephisto's Soulstone, eh?" Spam Slayer asked. We all shrugged.

"Looks like we'll have to go back to Act Three to find it," Batman said. So we headed to the waypoint and teleported back to Kurast.

As soon as we arrived, we saw a man with long blond hair standing next to a man with long dark hair, a beard, and a baseball cap turned backwards.

"Who the heck are you guys? You look like hippies. Are you hippies? Hippies scare the author. Maybe if you joined our party, the author would leave us alone! Then we would be free, freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Chippy said.

The blond haired guy looked at Chippy and said, "Dude, check it out, a talking squirrel. Listen little squirrel dude, my name's Jay, and this here is my good friend Silent Bob. And we're not hippies." Silent Bob nodded his head and took a drag from a cigarette.

"Listen, we're looking for Mephisto's Soulstone. Have you seen it?" Batman said.

Jay looked at him and said, "Oh, you mean that red shiny rock we found? Yeah, you can have it. We don't need it. Have fun smashing it!" He pulled Mephisto's Soulstone out of his pocket and handed it to Spam Slayer, who put it in a pouch on her wheelchair.

"Thanks, eh. But how do you know we have to smash it, eh?" Spam Slayer asked.

"Author told us," Silent Bob said. Then, the two of them suddenly vanished in a puff of smoke that smelled vaguely like drugs. We all shrugged our shoulders and returned to Hell.

Back in the Hotel, I decided we might need to hire a mercenary to help us. I walked up to Tyrael and asked him about mercenaries.

"Sorry, but Act 4 doesn't have any mercenaries. But if you're really desperate, you could hire a mercenary off of the Internet. The computer is in the back," he said.

I walked into the back room and sat down on the computer. I went over to and read the reviews for Bob and Chippy's Excellent Adventure.

"Wow, I didn't know we were so popular," Chippy said, reading over my shoulder.

"Yeah. This is pretty cool to know that so many people actually find us funny. Thanks for the compliments people!" I said.

"Now, enough with the meta-fiction and fourth wall breaking! WE NEED MERCS!" Chippy said. I clicked over to look at this one. Four ninjas for the price of one. Looks like they're some kind of team. Ooh, and one of them is a healer!" I said. I clicked on the hire button, which said we should expect our mercenaries in two to nine business weeks. However, Mike the Great is impatient, so he teleported the ninjas to us immediately.

"Hello, my name is Hatake Kakashi, and this is my team of ninjas, Naruto, Sakura, and Sai. We're here to help," the tallest ninja said. He had spiky gray hair, a green vest, and wore a headband with a metal plate on it over his left eye.

I looked at the other ninjas. One of them was a boy in a black and orange suit with blond spiky hair and a headband with a metal plate across his forehead. Another one was a girl with pink hair, a headband in her hair like a ribbon, and shorts and a shirt. The internet had said the healer was female, so I guess she could heal. The third one was a boy with dark hair, a belly exposing shirt, and a sword strapped to his back.

The boy with the belly exposing shirt walked up to me and said, "You must be weak if you need our help. Do you even have a penis?"

"WHAT!?" I shouted.

Kakashi merely laughed and said, "Don't mind Sai. He isn't very sociable"

After introducing the ninjas to the rest of my party, we headed out to find the Hellforge so we could destroy Mephisto's Soulstone.

After an hour of wandering and fighting many enemies, we found the Hellforge. And there we saw an unexpected sight. The Smith was standing right in front of the Hellforge! He looked a bit weird, but it was unmistakable who it was.

"The Smith? I thought we killed you in the first chapter?" I said.

"Huh? I'm not the Smith! I'm his sister, Hephasto! Boy, am I glad you killed him. He was giving our family a bad name," was the response we got, Hephasto speaking in a very female voice.

"You're pretty ugly," Chippy said.

"What? NO ONE CALLS ME UGLY!" she roared as she pulled out a very large hammer.

"CHIPPY! See what you did!" I shouted as I dodged a hammer swing.

"Hell hath no fury like a women scorned...on in this case, it does," Batman said.

"Alright team, let's do this!" Kakashi shouted. After an epic battle that they probably should have lost but they won because the plot required it, the ninjas killed Hephasto and destroyed her hammer.

"Oh man, eh. I was reading Chippy's players guide, and it said that the hammer was one of the only things that could destroy the Soulstone, eh?" Spam Slayer said.

The girl ninja healed everyone and then said, "I bet I could do it!" We all laughed.

"No offense, Pink Hair, but I think I would have a better chance than you," Chippy said.

I smacked Chippy in the back of the head. "Chippy, I think by now you would have realized not to insult women! Look what happened last time!" I shouted.

The pink hair girled smiled and said, "I may not look like much, but I can break it."She placed the Soulstone on the Hellforge and shouted, "Smashy Smashy no Jutsu!" She then punched the Soulstone, shattering it as well as breaking the Hellforge in half.

We all stared at her, mouths agape.

"Well, now that our missions to help you destroy the Soulstone is over, my team and I are going to leave," Kakashi said.

"Wait, we could really use your help, eh! Please stay, eh!" Spam Slayer shouted.

Kakashi thought for a moment and said, "Well, I won't endanger these kids lives, but I guess I can stay a bit longer." He opened a town portal and made the three youngest ninjas go through it, and it closed. Suddenly, a strange girl with brown hair placed up in a ponytail appeared out of nowhere.

"Alright guys, now it's time for you to face down Diablo. But in order for you to reach him, you must travel through the HALL OF FEAR! You know, because he's the Lord of Terror. In the HALL OF FEAR! all your greatest fears will come to life, and you must face them. Good luck!" she said.

"Who are you? Do you have more taffy?" Batman asked.

"I'm Viewtiful Aryll. I'm a friend of Mike the Great, and I'm an intern with him right now. I'm thinking about joining so he's letting me have some experience at being an omnipotent and all-powerful author. Now, if you excuse me, I have to go...Mike the Great has some more pointless intern tasks for me to do," she answered. Then she just suddenly disappeared. We all shrugged our shoulders and continued on. It seems like we're doing a lot of shoulder shrugging in this chapter.

After another hour or walking and monster killing, we reached the entrance to the HALL OF FEAR! which we knew was the HALL OF FEAR! because Chippy's player's guide told us.

"Welcome to the HALL OF FEAR! The HALL OF FEAR! is not responsible for any heart attacks or other causes of death caused by encounters with your greatest fears while in the hall. And please remember, no taffy is allowed in the HALL OF FEAR!" a voice said over a loudspeaker.

"Curse you, loudspeaker, curse you. One day I shall have my vengeance! One day," Batman said.

We walked through until we saw a door with my name on it. I opened it, and we walked through.

Suddenly we found ourselves on a plane.

"Well, where's Bob's greatest fear?" Chippy asked. Suddenly, I heard a hissing noise.

"Oh, please tell me this isn't a parody of what I think it is," Kakashi said, reading some book.

Suddenly, a bunch of snakes began crawling everywhere, hissing at us. I began to shake with fear.

"Oh, come on Bob! You're afraid of snakes? I've seen you with snakes before! You're not scared of them when we're in the forest!" Chippy said.

"That's because...I'm only afraid of snakes...when they're...on...a plane!" I said nervously.

"Well, you need to fight them, eh! It's the only way we can move on, eh!" Spam Slayer said.

I closed my eyes, trying to remember the summoning spell I had learned in Druid's Collage to counteract this fear. I held up my hand, which was shaking in fear. "Su..su...summon!" I stuttered.

Suddenly, Samuel L. Jackson appeared out of nowhere. "I have had enough of these motherf-EXPLETIVE DELETED snakes, on this motherf-EXPLETIVE DELETED plane!" he shouted as he took out his gun and shot a window. Suddenly, all the snakes were pulled out of the hole in the window, and the planes, the snakes, and Samuel L. Jackson disappeared.

"Oh, that was easy," I said. We continued on, eventually reaching a door with Chippy's name on it.

"I'm not going in there!" Chippy said. I sighed, picked Chippy up, opened the door and we went inside. We found ourselves in the middle of a battle arena. In the middle of the battle arena was a naked mole rat.

"What the?" Batman said.

"Chippy has zemmiphobia, fear of the Great Mole Rat, which for some reason he always insists in a naked mole rat," I explained.

"He exists! I KNEW IT! I KNEW! But would you believe me? No! You called me crazy! You called me unhinged. Oh Chippy, there isn't a Great Mole Rat! He's just in your mind! WELL THEN, WHO IS THAT!" Chippy ranted.

Spam Slayer wheeled over to Chippy and gave him a kiss. "You can do it, eh. I know you can, eh!" she said.

Chippy looked dazed for a moment, then suddenly he became determined.

"I will swiftly and easily defeat my opponent," he said, his mouth movement not matching his words. Leaping through the air, he kicked the Great Naked Mole Rat in the face. The two began kung-fu fighting! Their fists were fast as lightning! In fact, it was a little bit frightening! But they fought with expert timing!

Suddenly, the two faced each other, their attacks withheld for now.

"One hit is all I need," Chippy said with uncanny speed, he appeared in front of the Great Naked Mole Rat and kicked him straight into the air. As the Mole Rat approached the ground again, Chippy delivered and uppercut to his stomach. The Great Naked Mole Rat landed on his feet, dizzy.

"FINISH HIM!" a voice boomed.

Chippy grabbed the Great Naked Mole Rat's front teeth. Then, in a Red vs Blue reference, he pulled out the Great Naked Mole Rat's skull and proceeded to beat him to death with it. How that was possible, I don't know. The Author just thought it would be funny, and it's not really my place to question the author.

With the Great Naked Mole Rat defeated, we moved on. After another minute of walking, we reached a door with Kakashi's name on it.

"Well, looks like it's my turn," he said. He opened the door and stepped into the room, which looked like a pretty ordinary room. An old man with grey hair, a red outfit, and weird red lines on his face was waiting inside.

The man stepped up to Kakashi and said, "Sorry Kakashi. Someone became offended by one of my Icha Icha books, and now I have to burn them all," the man said.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT MY BOOKS!" Kakashi said as he fiercely hugged three small books.

"What's so good about these books anyways?" Chippy said as he grabbed one of them and browsed over a page, his eyes becoming wide as he read on.

"Huh, what is it about?" I asked. I took the book from Chippy, who was now drooling. I browsed the page as well, my eyes widening in shock. "This is what you're reading? This...perverted stuff! I...woah, this is kind of hot," I said.

Spam Slayer ran over my foot with her chair and snatched the book from my hands. "You perverted men, eh. What's so good about...oh my, eh! This book is...incredible, eh!" she said.

Kakashi hastily snatched his book back. "NO! There is no way I'm letting you burn my preciouses...yes, my preciouses, gollum! They're mine, yes...they wants to be with me...my preciouses," he said, stroking the books.

Batman smacked Kakashi. "Listen, you need to get over this fear of losing your pr0n! If the books get burned, I'm sure you can always find the actual text on the Internet!"he shouted.

Kakashi's exposed eye glinted. "You're right! You can't scare me like that Jiraiya! You can burn my books, but the Icha Icha series will always live on!" he said, standing up. Suddenly, the man vanished, the illusion conquered. Kakashi sighed and hid the books again. We moved on, walking until we found a door with Spam Slayer's name on it.

"Seems like it's time for me to face my fear, eh?" Spam Slayer said as I opened the door for her. She wheeled in ahead of us and we followed. Inside we saw Jon Moctezuma waiting for us.

"Hey, it's that Mexican kid from the last chapter!" Chippy said.

"A Mexican, eh! Those are the polar opposite of Canadians, eh! Don't let it near me, eh!" Spam Slayer said.

I patted her on the shoulder. "It's ok, I'm sure you can face your fear," I said.

Suddenly, the probably fake Jon Moctezuma suddenly turned into a giant robot Mexican with a sombrero and a guitar.

"No...f-EXPLETIVE DELETED way," Chippy said.

Robin suddenly popped in from nowhere and said, "Holy Morphing Mexicans Batman!"

"Stop following me you strange kid! And give me back my taffy!" Batman said as he punched Robin and threw him out of the room.

Spam Slayer gritted her teeth. "There's only one way for me to take this guy out, eh. I'll have o use my chair, eh!" she said as she pressed a button on her wheelchair. Suddenly, in a complex transformation scene, her chair turned into a giant robot version of an assassin.

"How do you like my mecha, the Deus ex Machina, eh?" Spam Slayer's voice boomed forth from a loud speaker. It got in a combat ready pose and charged the Mecha-Jon. Giant Wolverine style claws popped out of the mecha's hands and stabbed into the Mecha-Jon, who proceeded to smash the Deus ex Machina with his giant guitar. The giant robot assassin stumbled back, but regained its balance and got in another combat pose.

"Looks like I'll have to use my ultimate attack, eh! Take this, eh! DOUBLE DEUS, EH!" Spam Slayer shouted, her voice carried forth by her mecha's loudspeaker. Suddenly, a second Deus ex Machina appeared behind the Mecha-Jon. The two Deus ex Machina's both extended their claws super long and proceeded to skewer the gigantic robotic Mexican, who exploded in a large, elaborate explosion that somehow didn't harm anyone. The one Deus ex Machina disappeared as the other one transformed back into Spam Slayer's wheelchair. The Canadian assassin looked at us and smiled.

"Good work! And that mecha should help us a lot against Diablo!" I said.

Spam Slayer frowned and replied, "My Deus ex Machina only has enough fuel to preform the Double Deus once before it has to recharge for a whole week, eh. It takes a lot of fuel to make a solid holographic copy, eh."

"Awww...of course. Mike the Great would never make things to easy for us," Chippy said.

Mike the Great's laughter boomed out of nowhere. We all sighed and continued forward, reaching Batman's door. We walked in.

"I hope I don't have to face zombies. I really don't like zombies," Batman said, his eyes darting around.

What we found was not zombies, but rather several men who looked like writers of somekind.

"Who the here is that? And why is Batman afraid of them?" Chippy said.

Batman glared at them, and pointed his finger accusingly. "YOU! You're the writers from that Family Guy show! You can't make me go back to that third rate cartoon! I'm in a serious piece of literature now!" Batman said.

"No you're not, Mr. West. You're in a lame fanfic being written by a geek with an obsession with pop culture references and a love of self-depreciating humor," one of the writers said.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111111111111111111111oneoneone You'll never catch me!" Batman shouted as he ran off. The writers chased after him.

"Looks like we'll have to face Diablo one party member short," I said as we moved on without the caped crusader.

We reached Diablo's inner sanctuary, so Chippy pulled out his player's guide.

"According to this, there are five seals in this area that Diablo is using to hide himself from heroes. There are two sets of two seals, and a single seal all alone. Kakashi and Spam Slayer. You guys are probably more competent than Bob and I, so you can take the double seals. Bob and I will take the single seal. Also, be careful. Each set of seals, when fully unsealed, will unleash a unique monster," Chippy explained, trying his best to sound smart. So, we split up and each headed in a different direction.

After several minutes, or maybe they were hours of walking. I can't remember, and the Author is just kind of randomly adding these times. They don't really matter. Anyways, after we walked for some unimportant period of time, we eventually reached the seal. After staring at it for a couple minutes, we finally decided to unseal it. So I walked up to the seal and poked it. I drew my sword, looked around wildly for the monster it unleashed and saw nothing. Maybe the monster had fallen into a plot hole. I sheathed my sword and turned around, only to find myself face to face with Hitler.

"I am Hitler! I am the unique monster unleashed by this seal! And, err...I guess I'm going to fight you!" Hitler said in a surprisingly American accent. I drew my sword and got ready to fight, when suddenly a bunch of zombie Nazis appeared around me.

"I think we're screwed, Bob," Chippy said as I felt a warm liquid run down my arm.

"Not so fast, Hitler!" a voice boomed. We turned around and saw Abraham Lincoln standing behind us in a heroic pose.

"Ack! Abraham Lincoln! You can not stop me! I will, um...kill these people I guess. I mean, it's not like I have anything better to do. And I am evil and stuff," Hitler said.

Abraham Lincoln shook his head and said, "Oh, I think I can stop you!" He pulled an AK-47 out from under his hat, and blew Hitler away with a rat-a-tat-tat.

"Good thing Batman isn't here right now, because I think that Lincoln would have shot him instead," Chippy said.

With their leader gone, the zombie Nazis just kind of disappeared into a plot hole. Wow, this chapter sure has a lot of those.

"STOP BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!" Mike the Great's voice boomed out.

"Anyways, I have to go. There is this crazy sorceress chasing after me who says she's me," Lincoln said as he threw down a smoke bomb and vanished. We shrugged our shoulders and headed to the center, where Spam Slayer was waiting for us.

"I see you guys got your seal unsealed already, eh. Man, you won't believe who I had to fight, eh. It was some ninja guy named Itachi who kept on talking about kicking puppies and killing his entire family, eh. Oh, and he told me I lacked hatred, and then he also said I lacked leg function, eh! That was just plain offensive, eh! I think he was really evil, eh. I only won because I looked on the Internet, and it told me that in order to beat Itachi, I had to tell him that his emo little brother was somewhere else, eh. As soon as I said that, he ran of screaming about Sausage or something like that, eh." Spam Slayer said.

"Cool, but where is the amazing one-eyed ninja guy?" Chippy said. Suddenly, the ground began to shake, and Diablo appeared out of a door that said "Diablo's Secret Hiding Place."

"Fear me mere mortals, for I am something you have never faced before!" Diablo said.

"And what's that?" I asked.

"I am...a competent villain!" he said.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The only reason we've won up to now was because of a combination of the villains' incompetence and our positions as the main characters!" Chippy said. We all gasped.

Diablo laughed and began to shoot fireballs and blasts of lightning at us. We hid behind some conveniently placed rocks.

"You're welcome!" Mike the Great's voice boomed.

Suddenly, Kakashi showed up. "Sorry I'm late, but my seal got stuck and I had to jiggle it a bit to unseal it," he said, obviously making up a lame excuse. I noticed that his left eye was uncovered and was completely red.

"Woah! Do you like have pink eye or something? If you do, then get away. I don't have pink eye and pink eye is bad and I don't want it cause then I would be sick and that would make me sad and I don't like being sad because being sad means I'm not happy and I like being happy because being happy is fun!" Chippy said.

"Chippy, did you take your medication this morning?" I asked.

"Er...it's both possible that I did, and it's possible I didn't" Chippy said.

Kakashi shrugged his shoulders and said, "No, it's not pink eye. It's my Sharingan, and it allows me to read my opponents movements and predict what they're going to do, as well as copy the abilities of other ninjas. It's why I'm known as Copy Ninja-Kakashi. It also gives me the ability to read my favorite books with one eye while my Sharingan focuses on the battle," he said as he pulled out one of his dirty books and began reading it. I sighed.

"That's all nice, but how are we going to beat Diablo, eh? He's kind of attacking so fiercely that we can't get an attack in edgewise, eh. Although if he's as competent as he says he is, why isn't he moving around these rocks to attack, eh?" Spam Slayer said.

"Oh, good idea! I really need to work on that. It's one of the things mentioned in the book I'm reading, 'How to be a Competent Villain for Dummies,'" Diablo said as he walked around the rocks and faced us.

"Awww, s-EXPLETIVE DELETED," Chippy said.

Diablo began to laugh evilly when suddenly, more theme music began to play.

"Dude, why the heck does the Author put so much theme music into a story where people can't even hear it? I mean, what's the point of pointing it out when the readers can't even hear it. We all know we can't explain it without giving away whose theme music it is, but we still feel like pointing out the music. It's just weird," Chippy said. I smacked him in the back of the head.

A black van with a red stripe on it and a red spoiler drove between Diablo and us. Batman jumped out of it and said, "Don't worry guys, I brought back up and taffy."

Out of the van poured the entire A-Team! Hannibal, Face, Murdock, and Mr. T all pulled out guns and began to shoot, missing Diablo completely but looking very cool.

"Crap! It's the A-Team! But not even they can save you now, foolish heroes!" Diablo said.

Mr. T just shook his head and said, "You know what Diablo, you're the fool. And you know what else? I PITY THE FOOL!" Mr. T then picked up Diablo and threw him into the lava that surrounded everything. I mean, we are in Hell.

"I love it when a plan comes together," Hannibal said as he stuck a cigar into his mouth and lit it. The A-Team then climbed into their van and drove away.

"Thanks for the save, Batman, eh. I knew we could count on you, eh!" Spam Slayer said.

"Oh, don't worry citizen. As long as I have my taffy, I can fight any villain!" Batman said.

"So, if we just beat Diablo, how come the Author isn't sending all our teammates away and ending the chapter?" Chippy said.

Suddenly, laughter began to come out of the lava. "That's because you haven't defeated me!" Diablo's voice boomed as he rose out of the lava. "Now, I will take my ultimate form and defeat you all!" he said. Then, in a complex transformation sequence, Diablo turned into a giant bat with Diablo's head.

"Oh no! A bat! I'm afraid of them! But not as much as I'm afraid of those stupid writers. I showed them that Batman will not be reduced to playing a mayor in a crappy cartoon whose jokes don't have anything to do with the plot!" Batman said.

"What the? YOU'RE FRIGGIN' BATMAN! How the here are you afraid of a bat?" I screamed.

"What? I'm Batman? I always thought I was Adam West. I guess I was wrong," Batman said.

Suddenly, a van with the words deus ex machina on the side of it pulled up. You know, I think the author really likes the word suddenly. Anyways, suddenly Ozzy Osborne suddenly climbed out of the van and suddenly began to suddenly speak.

"F-EXPLETIVE DELETED. I don't know where the f-EXPLETIVE DELETED I f-EXPLETIVE DELETED-ing am. Who the f-EXPLETIVE DELETED are all of you f-EXPLETIVE DELETED-ers. And what the f-EXPLETIVE DELETED is f-EXPLETIVE DELETED-ing up with that f-EXPLETIVE DELETED-ing giant f-EXPLETIVE DELETED-ing bat. F-EXPLETIVE DELETED-ing f-EXPLETIVE DELETED-ers," Ozzy said.

"Woah, and I thought I was vulgar," Chippy said.

Bat-Diablo then swooped at Ozzy, screaming, "How dare you swear so much! There could be children reading this fanfic!"

Ozzy merely grabbed Bat-Diablo and bit his head off. "F-EXPLETIVE DELETED-ing bat, don't f-EXPLETIVE DELETED-ing f-EXPLETIVE DELETED with f-EXPLETIVE DELETED-ing Ozzy f-EXPLETIVE DELETED-ing Osborne," Ozzy said.

Then, Mike the Great and his intern, Viewtiful Aryll appeared.

"Congrats guys! You beat Diablo! Now, since this fic is based on the expansion pack, you get to go to Act Five! Which is on some mountain I forget the name of because it's been a really long time since I last played Diablo 2!" Mike the Great said.

"A mountain, eh? Those places aren't really handicap accessible, eh. Looks like I'm out, eh," Spam Slayer said. She waved goodbye and wheeled away.

Kakashi had his head in his book as he said, "Sorry, I have to go. I already bought tickets for the Icha Icha Paradise movie. Oh, it's going to be soooooo good!" He then vanished, ninja style.

Batman looked around and said, "You guys kind of freak me out. I'm out of here." He then climbed into the Batmobile that had appeared out of nowhere and drove off.

Chippy and I just looked at each other and I asked, "Alright, but how are we getting to this mountain?"

"Easy. Ozzy conveniently has a concert at this mountain, so he can take you," Viewtiful Aryll said. Then, the Author and his intern vanished in a very dramatic pillar of smoke. I heard someone coughing.

"Did you have to make it so smoky?" Viewtiful Aryll's voice boomed out of nowhere, in between coughing.

"Sorry," Mike the Great's voice boomed sheepishly. How a voice can boom sheepishly, I don't know. But somehow, his did.

Shrugging our shoulders, we climbed into Ozzy's bus, which then took off towards Act 5 and some mountain.

Disclaimer: I don't own Diablo II, Phoenix Wright, the word OBJECTION!, Star Wars, Ebay, Adam West, Batman, HeadOn, any taffy, Jay and/or Silent Bob, the Internet (Al Gore invented it, but Bill Gates owns it), Naruto, Viewtiful Aryll (she's an Internet friend of mine I'm helping out), the word Viewtiful (I think Capcom owns that word), Snakes on a Plane, any motherf-EXPLETIVE DELETED snakes, Samuel L. Jackson, the song Kung-Fu Fighting, The phrase FINISH HIM!, Red vs Blue, any pr0n, the Icha Icha series (Jiraiya owns that! Wait, he's fictional), a mecha (I wish I did), Wolverine, Family Guy (which I actually like, despite my comments), Hitler (he's evil!), any Nazis (they're evil too!), Abraham Lincoln, the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny, the fourth wall, the "For Dummies" series, the A-Team, Mr. T, a van, Ozzy Osborne, or discalimers.

I do own myself, and I guess I own Chippy. And I sort of own Bob...I mean, I own his personality at least.

"YOU CAN'T OWN ME!" Chippy shouted,

BOB! The fic is over! Stop narrating!

"Sorry," I said.


End file.
